Phony friend? Should you stay or not?

I feel shitty now.
I am super upset.

Have you ever be in this situation: doing your best to control your temper for 5 freaking years; cried, screamed, even swore you will never talk to someone who treats you so bad but ended up forgiving and stay friends, no, best friends with that person? Am I a moron or an angel wannabe who think everyone can change? Optimism sucks big time now. Someone please tell me that.

I guess I left the forgetting part. I don’t forget. Maybe that’s why the anger keeps on resurfacing. One of the main reasons I’ve stayed friend with this A-list a-hole because I think by being able to be patient with his super immature actions and words will enable me to face anything life can throw at me. Every time I’ve cried, I’ve reminded myself that it was nothing. There are worse things out there. It can help me being tougher. True, I did improve in the sensitivity part, but sometimes, I feel when I act cool with all the crappy shitty stuff, people say I am bullied. You know how insulted I am? I bear with all the burden of being someone who tries so phonily to be the ‘nice’ girl when I’ve ended up labelled bullied? Shit, I should have known better. Degrading my dignity makes me suffer.

The worst part of this so-called friendship is I have always cared for him. I always pray he will treat me better. To not ever hurt my feelings again. Don’t get me wrong, I always think of him as my guy best friend. And to so many people amusement (even myself at this point), I’ve sticked with him through all these years. Maybe friendship needs to end at some point. When you no longer feel you are respected. I know respect has to be earned but I think I’ve worked too much for too long for something near to impossible. I am tired.

Oh, hati, tolongla jangan terluka lagi.
Sakit itu Tuhan saja yang tahu.
Orang lain takkan tahu.
Orang lain takkan faham.

Just to share something I’ve found on the net:

How can a friendship goes rotten?

A. By making heart breaking jokes to each other.
B. By betraying the trust of forever watching each other backs.
C. By laughing when friends are crying.
D. By claiming a friend when in need and dumping one when in greed.
E. All the above


These are the series of questions that we have to ask ourselves when we want to decide on turning dishonest and making a friendship rotten! Honesty is the best policy. When you stop being truthful to your friends on your feelings and keep gathering the silent anger, that is when you’re being dishonest in your friendship. When you stop caring on what your friends is feeling, that is a dishonest. When you overly expecting your friends to give the respect that you deserve, that is a dishonest. When we neglect to give the respect to the deserved friends, that is also a dishonest. Dishonesty is what rotting his friendship. If only we all could be more honest on our feelings, be frank when we’re hurt, stop on being selfish and help each other more.

Oh, please comment people. Thank you.

Hampir Habis.

Halfway.Halfway. Eh, ¼ way. ¼ way…

Sekejap lagi..In about a month time I’ll finally be freed from my tertiary education. I’ll fly out there to the real world with a smile on my face. Smile of a liberation survivor. That sounds super duper phony. LOL.

I suddenly feel like it’s a jungle out there. I feel like Monk who scares of so many things. Stop thinking too much Zainur Azwin. Have a little faith in fate and hard works. Life’s too short to think of so many consequences of simple / medium / complicated actions.

Orang tak pernah kisah kalau mereka ada semua.
Malangnya tidak semua orang bernasib baik.
Jadi hampir semua orang kisah.
Dunia dan kebendaan itu sinonim.
Tetapi mereka lupa.
Akhirat dan amal juga sinonim.
Oh. Senang lupa.
Terjaga….Harus Sedar.

Yep, it’s wengness mood strikes back. I think I will behave like this for quite a while because of the excessive Coke + works + stress + excitement to end these 5 years journey.

By the end of the month I will summarize what I’ve been through and what I’ve learnt throughout these years. Like a conclusion to my final report. No recommendation though. Lol. I’m sure my previous posts said a thing or two about my life for now, but hey, it’s my blog, so suke hati la kan? Hehe. So I’m done for now. As Fareez current favorite word says, KISS (Keep It Suka Suki (Ok saye tipu. Lain sebenarnye). I’ll let him write his. Harus! =)

Plant something better than anggur.duh.

Gosh. I never felt so relieved yet so tense. It’s a relief that I went through these hectic past two weeks without MAJOR damage to my mental being (that’s been said, I think Red Bull, Nescafe and Coke helps. So much for the health conscious wannabe).

Yes. Interviews. Who likes them? Apparently I did enjoy one of my interviews this week. They’ve had Career Placement Week for bakal penanam anggur like me. The one particular interview that I like was with Baker Hughes and I’m sure most people do. No pressure, no scary looking interviewers, it’s just a fun chat. Fun but at the same time we had to impress them. I adore people who could sell themselves without appear to be conceited (I don’t know if I am one) because people who are confident can be misjudged as cocky. Or they are even conceited because they want to be superior to others, so they can win this interview competition. Yes, interviews are competition and some people just love to win them ALL. Even though they have won the biggest prize, they still want to win others too. Just to prove they can. And I think that is the phoniest, crappiest and selfish-est thing one can do. Especially in today’s ever changing and ever competitive world.

I’m up for challenges but I am not the optimistic of them all. I just pray that my best can achieve something someday. If it’s not now maybe it’s sooner or later. Now I’m contradicting my statement of not being optimistic because now I think I do (ok, wengness mood strikes). Anyway, I hope I land a job I love. They say aim for the star, for if you fail, you can always reach the cloud. Then you won’t be too disappointed when your aim is not reached. Very semi opmitistic.LOL.I want to be a multi millionaire, so if I can’t reach that goal, at least I can marry one (now what am I merapiking about. Haha).

Anyway, the tense resurfaces because next week will be another hectic week. This is worse because it involves books, pen, paper, calculator and another mind cramping sessions. Maybe I’ll seek help from the suggested air from my previous post (lemon tea, tea, sting (where can I find this ginseng strawberry flavour yucky / yummy air?) and not forgotten tequila / vodka (if only it’s not haram. LOL)). Good luck left brain and right brain. Stay sane! ~:>

Crazy.Gile.Fuzzy.

Oh, meow, I noe how u feel -_-~

GILE.GILE.GILE. Die ingat satu subjek je saye amek this semester? Die ingat I will dedicate my whole LAST Semester doing his ‘wonderful’ assignments??? And quizzes??

Crappy crab. And I thought I can lepak2 towards the end of the semester. Life should be easier towards the end. It should!!!!

Saye rase saye weng. Dan sedikit tertekan. Saye mahu minum Coke. Tetapi Coke membahayakan kesihatan. Jadi, saye beralih ke Red Bull. Ade orang kate Red Bull pun tak elok minum byk2. Jadi, who wins this battle? Red Bull, Coke or ……? Give me one good air yang memberikan tenaga dan menghilangkan tekanan (perlu sedap seperti Coke or Red Bull. Don’t suggest me Pepsi atau Livita. They appear to be sama x serupa). Oh, and they have to tidak berapa membahayakan kesihatan, kerana saye mahu minum berdozen2. Terime kasih.

P/s: Notice the campuran bahasa? I’m going manglish at times (when I'm in wengness mood).

I’ve drank Red Bull last night. And I am drinking Coke now…..duh.

Win.Lose.Yin.Yang.Keseimbangan itu Penting~

When you fail, what do you feel? Sad? Angry? Pasrah? Happy? (surely not the latter right).

People will always say, there’s next time, and there will always be quotes to motivate you but a failure is still a failure, no matter how close it was to success. And failure takes time to heal. To absorb to our pessimistic brain (yes, optimism is hard right after failure occurs) that this was a good experience. It can teach us to be better. To stand up and walk on with pride. To not say ‘F***, bull**** or other profanities but still manage a smile instead of tears.

As much as I want to be a strong-willed girl, I am super sensitive to the core (my closest companions can testify to that). Thus, when I fail, I am sad, I am angry because I thought I have given my best. And my best deserved a success. Be it in a competition, in relationship, in friendship, we win some and lose some, says Jason Mraz. So I will surround myself with people that won’t put me down. Which I think I’m blessed with. Tujuan post kali ini memang untuk meluahkan kesedihan, hati duka dan lara yang melibatkan terlalu banyak perkataan ‘kalau’ di dalam minda yang memang semulajadi serabut ini. And because I’ve lost in the UN GAID Global Youth Forum by Astro. It was for a UN conference in Armenia end of this month. And there goes my first chance of being heard by the world. Because I do care about this one world. As sceptical people might be to that confession.

But, I have my win in the end. Because God has given me 22 years to live in this world. A chance I am truly thankful for. Means I can keep on failing and succeeding as long as I don’t lose that passion and self dignity =).

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you then you win.
-Mahatma Gandhi-

Updated

Thanks to my friends for making life in UTP bearable. And Dede has just shocked me last night because he actually can be SWEET to me for real for once. Ahaha. And my roommate whom I know is sweet because of my huge influence on her (die akan cakap the same thing. She’s like female version of Dede but much less meaner and sweeter. Maybe that’s the reason they are both my BFF =) ). And Payeh, I won’t do any double dare. Kire draw la now. And I dare you to tell me your blog’s name! (Eh, senang sangat. Nanti tukar..Haha).

Last but not least, MU won 4-0 last night. It’s a great birthday present to me! Yabedabedu. Eh, besides my beloved boyfriend called from across the sea. I miss him.
=(.

I miss him like Garfield misses his lasagna.

Hope.Dream.Reality.

Have you ever feel you can do/ achieve something great?
That your dream is finally having a shot of coming true?
Well…this is a mixture of feelings.
I don’t want to have high hopes. But I don’t to want to screw it up or not trying my best at all.
I am in my journey of achieving that dream.
I hope everything goes well. Amin.
Most important thing is the lesson learnt.
Which I will definitely treasure my whole life.
Pray for me people! =)

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm"
-Winston Churchill-

Oh Raya Oh~

Okay. It’s time to update my blog. And I did just that. I revamped the layout and I think it looks less monotonous than before. Heh. Owh, and I will never get track of the visitors because I keep on changing the tracking system, got it from Thaqif’s blog (like my blog matters to others la kan. It is just for own satisfaction :p).

Anyway it’s time for a new post. It’s past my self deadline. If I work in a magazine, I’m fired for sure. Lol. Everyone talks about how festive their Raya is. So again, should I follow the trend? Guess I will. Typical I am. Here goes the chronology of my Raya 2008:

1. The tradition has changed a bit during malam Raya. Usually we would go to ANW, but this year KFC came to our Rasah home. Due to some working cousins belanja- ed us. Thanks Abang and Waffi and Angah Wani and Along Zura! Owh, and Fuad Syukri too. For the first raya as a muslim =).

2. The first raya wasn’t as eventful as before due to absence of few families. But it was still great anyway. The laksa and mee kari were still the bomb. Owh, and there was incident involving a big rat on avenge mission (rat from hell says the victim) who bit the victim, caused some war at early dawn and survive alive and satisfied to scare us off next time (damn you cheeky mouse!).

3. The second raya was so unlike last year due to much lesser people in Keluarga Kawal gathering. And we didn’t buy any cabutan bertuah. Pak cik was so lucky (he won 4 lucky draw and 1 meneka éclairs competition. Early birthday gift :p). Also, Abang and Angah Wani got the EXTRA duit Raya for completing their studies (And they say it’s only for IPTA. Guess they don’t know the hard works us IPTS students had to go through. Sigh)

4. My accumulated duit raya was over 100. I considered that an achievement. Yeay!

5. I finally went and met my Georgian friends after months. The guilt was released (phew)! And I even went beraya to balai polis. Hee..

6. Karaoke and mapley session with the out-of-this-world cousins were great. I’m glad we still could hang out together. They are still as crazy as ever!

7. I’ve watched two movies but not KAMI. I think Mamma Mia was better than Eagle eye because it was more original in term of story line. (I think repeated concept of a movie is lame).

8. I’ve watched a documentary ‘Inside Islam’ in History channel and it’s a good refreshing memories and knowledge to the ignorant me.

9. I think time past by nearly as the same speed as sound (if I say light Einstein would grovel in his grave. Lol) and now I’m back in UTP.

10. I have to do my poster for my FYP. How a boring fact to end the chronology. Anyway, just discovered it is due on 17th October 2008. Why did I come back soo early?? Whyyy????

Sigh again. Anyway, here are some photos commemorate the eventful festival. I will always love Raya (but a tad lesser when I am giving duit raya instead of getting them. It’s a symbolic transition from fun young days to a more serious, mature me. Yeah, right.

Moi Familia

Second Syawal





First Syawal

*Pictures speak thousand words =)